Oxy Moron, Contributor

Virtually every day I get an email whose writer has a huge sum of money to give away. The money is invariably stashed away in some bank account, unbeknownst to the depositor's relatives. Another trend is for the depositor to have died in some tragic accident or under mysterious circumstances. Then it goes on to talk about exchanging financial information. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that these emails are the work of Internet scammers. Today, I give you one of such letters. My responses are in parentheses.

38 Rue Des Martyrs Cocody

Abidjan, Cte d' Ivoire

Dearest one of God:

I am the above-named person from Kuwait. I am married to Mr Benson Williams (a figment of your warped imagination) who worked with Kuwait Embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004 (but he was never born). We were married for 11 years (in your crazy mind) without a child (and that was very good). He died after a brief illness (so, he didn't like boxers?) that lasted for only four days (thank God he didn't suffer).

Before his death (it could not be after), we were both born-again Christians (could you have been dead-again?). Since his death, I decided not to remarry (not a bad idea, you're a wicked woman) or get a child outside my matrimonial home, which the Bible is against (well, get one inside it, dah!). When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $2.5 million (what a rich phantom he was) in the bank here in Abidjan in suspense account (why not a comedic one?).

Presently (it means shortly, not now), the fund is still with the bank (that's a blatant lie). Recently, my doctor (Doctor Who?) told me that I have a serious sickness which is a cancer problem (the cancer of lying and deception). The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness (you really deserve it).

Having known my condition, I decided to donate this fund to a church (leave the church, alone, please) or individual (certainly not me) that will utilise this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church (leave di church, mi seh!) that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained (while you are in prison where you belong).

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth (and what does it say about lying and stealing?).

I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money (once again, serve you right) and my husband's relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers (such as I).

I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death (nor is death afraid of you, might I remind you), hence I know where I am going (straight to the depths of Hell). I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord (in this case, Satan, lord of Hell). Exodus 14: verse 14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace (a piece of rope around your neck).

I don't need any telephone communication (you were never going to get one) in this regard because of my health, hence the presence of my husband's relatives is around me always. I don't want them to know about this development (they will not, for they don't exist). With God all things are possible (yes, including your luck running out). As soon as I receive your reply (well, this is it) I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan (quick, for I am a poor little orphan in this world).

I want you and the Church to always pray for me (to turn away from your scheming and conniving ways), because the Lord is my shepherd (and you are a wolf in sheep's clothing). My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian (keep on fooling yourself). Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth (irony of ironies, you mendacious woman). Please always be prayerful all through your life (I pray that you are caught soon).

Contact me at the above email address for more information (which I will turn over to Interpol). Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose (and I am going to die of hunger). Please assure me that you will act accordingly (unlike you, I am not an actor ) as I stated herein.

Remain blessed in the Lord (can't say the same to you).

Yours in Christ (you mean Satan?)

- Mrs Rebecca Williams

oxydmoron@gmail.com