Cooper

The game of golf is a lot like sex. But before I tee off down that exciting fairway, let me concede right away that there's a crucial difference between the two. The goal of golf is to come to the end of the course in as few strokes as possible. This is absolutely disastrous in the game of sex.

Extended play, both fore and aft, is essential for a fulfilling conclusion. Women, especially, are not inclined to forgive a man's shortcomings. If performance is not up to par, that's the end of that.

striking similarities

All the same, there are striking similarities between golf and sex. The basic elements are identical. The central focus is a little hole, surrounded by lots of neatly trimmed bush. It takes balls and a stiff tool to play the game, which requires considerable skill. It is true that in some variants of the sexual game, there are no balls, woods or irons; and in others there are many. Endless permutations are possible. But whatever the angle of approach, the common goal of the sexual game is the same as that of golf: sinking the putt.

The popular expression 'recreational sex' underscores the parallel between golf and sex as high-performance sports. But for many players, the term is redundant: sex is essentially fun and games in the romping shop. Or Lovindeer's dumpling shop. Relaxation, plain and simple, is the desired outcome. No long-term commitment is expected. There are some pious souls who will object to this conception of sex as recreation. For them, sex is wholly and solely creational. It's work. It's all about making babies. So you either abstain or have out your lot.

Another similarity between golf and sex is that you can play the field as an amateur or a professional. An amateur plays for love and a professional for money. But this is where it gets tricky. It's quite respectable to play golf for money. Not so sex. It's actually illegal in most countries to pay up front for sex. The Netherlands is a notoriously liberal exception. The nether lands are not the same as the nether parts. But it does make you wonder.

Prostitution, the world's oldest profession, is definitely not for amateurs. The politically correct, gender-neutral term 'sex worker' highlights the fact that both men and women now offer their services in this sexual contract. And it's certainly not for love. Sex becomes work; it's no longer recreation.

Amateur womaniser

For all of his professional life as a golfer, Tiger Woods has been playing a game that simulates sex. It's no wonder the boundary between work and play, between the amateur and the professional, was eventually breached. The golfer tried to become a player. The trouble is that Tiger is not a professional womaniser. He's an amateur at that game. He does seem to have an insatiable love for the sport. But he obviously didn't put in the hard work needed to professionalise his game. He just couldn't juggle his balls efficiently.

Tiger could definitely take lessons from some of our acrobatic Jamaican men who have scientifically refined the art of womanising. This year-end holiday season taxes the skills of even the best players. Some men cannot stay in Jamaica for New Year's Eve. They have to ship out. There are so many women who expect to ring in the new year with the same man that he has to 'tek weh' himself. He will slink back soon enough with a cock-and-bull story to explain his absence. It will be less cock and more bull.

Tiger has been burnt in the fire of sexual scandal so he now feels obligated to withdraw from the course. He's decided to put away his balls, woods and irons. If he'd been much more careful about how he wielded his club he wouldn't have found himself in this particular hole. Tiger's choice of playmates doesn't suggest good judgement. Most of the women seem to have been playing for money and it looks as if they felt short-changed. Tiger wasn't letting off enough for their liking. Admittedly, bartering is not quite the same as prostitution. But sometimes it's difficult to see the difference.

Rev Al Sharpton's take

There's a wicked email doing the rounds that claims to report Rev Al Sharpton's take on the affair. Racial politics, not adultery, is his big issue. The Rev suggests that Tiger needed diversity training. He's not an equal opportunity womaniser. He should have given even a few black women the chance to play so that they could now tell their side of the story and make some money.

For me, the moral of this familiar tale is not that Tiger Woods is a failed role model. Instead, we need to rethink the way we put celebrities of all sorts on a pedestal. Why should we expect a professional athlete to be a permanently shining example of marital fidelity? Not even men of the cloth can always resist disrobing temptation. Just think of the case of the very reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. Even he slipped and fell.

I think Tiger has made a big mistake to withdraw prematurely from professional golfing. It's even worse than premature ejaculation, which is usually a private matter and not always a permanent failing. In this case, Tiger has publicly disqualified himself for cheating and indefinitely surrendered his right to the title of pre-eminent male golfer. That's a harsh penalty to pay even for countless extra swings, numerous balls out of bounds and successive stroking into the wrong hole.

Carolyn Cooper is professor of literary and cultural studies at the University of the West Indies, Mona. Send feedback to: karokupa@gmail.com or columns@gleanerjm.com.