Anybody who wants it can take it, but I will have none of it. For, look at what fame has done to the tiger in the woods and many others before him. Fame has made them demi-gods and put them upon pedestals for the universe to fall at their feet and worship them. They have to toe the line, pretending that everything is fine and when they cross the line, as vultures upon carrion the media and paparazzi descend, tearing them to pieces.

Fame can never be my constant companion, for I am a free spirit, and no 'bangarang' behind me I want. I am not going to go around with an entourage of leeches. Like vampires, they will suck my blood and drop my name, every opportunity they get.

I love to go it alone and I cherish being me. No, with fame by my side, I will not get to do the things I like. Imagine me having one of those moments when I suddenly feel like having a nice pot of chicken back soup, laced with Scotch bonnet pepper. It would be a big scandal when I turn up to cash my 'back' and my spotless name would be all over the tabloids.

Someone is suggesting that I send my house manager (being politically correct here). But, I have none. What am I doing with helpers? I am not yet an invalid, and I really need my space. No helper in my way.

And talking about helpers, I hired one once, upon her insistence. The first and last time she came, she put my white shirts to soak and returned to my living room to interview me. I sat and I answered her questions truthfully. All at once, she was Oprah and Dr Phil in one.

I want no fame, because it will make me snobbish and pretentious, self-absorbed and narcissistic. I want nobody to stop me on the street asking for autographs, money and alms.

I want no fame because they would write on my grave, "He was simply the best". And though it is true, I couldn't spend eternity feeling awkward. I really don't like adoration.

I want no fame because I would not be pleased with a star painted on any walk of fame. How much lower can one get? My star would have to be beside the moon.

I want no monument erected in my honour. Since I am no idol worshipper myself, I do not wish to be immortalised in bronze, copper, zinc, aluminium, marble, etc. Moreover, I can't be replicated, though I have oft been imitated.

I want no fame because I don't want anyone to stop me from bathing in the rain, in my birthday suit. And by the time you know it, I am on Google and Youtube in the nude.

I want no fame, for if I am found with a golf club wrapped around my head, bleeding and semi-conscious in the streets, people are going to speculate, and I would find it absolutely difficult to tell the authorities that I, Oxy Moron, am a battered spouse.

oxydmoron@gmail.com