Scrumptious mackerel 'run dung'. - Colin Hamilton/Freelance Photographer

In my defence of Salt Fish, last week, I said, among other things, that Ackee had absolutely no interest in Salt Mackerel, it being too "raw" and ugly. And Salt Mackerel does not take my pronouncements too kindly. It is very upset and says in no uncertain manner how it feels about me, Salt Fish and Ackee.

Salt Mackerel calls me a bigot, saying that I am discriminating against it, and that I have no right to be writing for The Gleaner because of my racist and divisive undertones. A real moron, it says I am, and that I and my moronic 'Sunday Sauce' should join Salt Fish in the frigid waters up North and leave senators Jack and Jill alone.

As for Ackee, it says it doesn't mind that Ackee has no interest in it, because studies have shown that Ackee is poisonous and bad for the health and that's why we Jamaicans are so beset with chronic diseases, such as obesity and diabetes. It also reminds me that the Haitians do not eat Ackee because it is highly toxic. Instead, they use it in their voodoo rituals to create zombies.

prostate cancer

No wonder we have so many people walking the streets of Jamaica in a trance-like manner. And Salt Mackerel is at its brutal best when it says it hopes Ackee give us Jamaican men prostate cancer.

But it is Salt Fish that gets the brunt of Salt Mackerel's wrath. In response to my reference to it being too raw, Mackerel says the rank odour that Salt Fish carries is much more repulsive and disgusting than its naturally fishy scent, and that with a generous amount of vinegar, that is taken care of. But nothing can abate Salt Fish's pungency.

And when it comes to looks, there is no contest. Only look at its soft, dark, satiny skin and compare it with Salt Fish's scaly and coarse coat. Its flesh, Salt mackerel is contending, is "tenderer" than Salt Fish's and is easy on the palate. Now, in its parting shot, it challenges Salt Fish to show the Jamaican people its head.

Hell hath no fury like a Mackerel scorned. Salt Fish to the world!

oxydmoron@gmail.com