Q: My wife of 20 years has gained a lot of weight and I am feeling less attracted to her because of it. I love our three teenagers but the passion for her does not seem to exist. Furthermore, I am finding my young secretary hot. What can I do?

A: After 20 years of marriage sometimes it takes effort to keep the passion going and renewed. You will have to create new memories and remind yourself what attracted you to your wife in the first place.

Sometimes engaging in some of the activities that sparked the inte-rest and passion during courtship might help.

In addition, it ought to be recognised that sometimes your sexual passion and desire for your wife is hot like 10-days love, and other times, it can be lukewarm or downright cold.

Sometimes a vacation helps. Some married couples claim vacation sex is the best and can rekindle the passion. Vacation sex has the benefit of no rush, no work pressure or other concerns. Therefore, time is not a bother and couples spend more time enjoying each other.

If a vacation is not practical at this time, other things can be done. First of all, acknowledge that the passion cannot be at the same level all the time. Do not focus on her being fat. Instead, try to motivate her to shape up by focusing on both of you getting fitter, better toned and healthier. You both can go on long walks which serve two purposes: spending time together and getting fitter. Also, go shopping for healthy food and enrol in a gym together.

Weight gain can be a result of 'baby fat', that is, weight gained after child birth. The pressures of child-rearing may have contributed to her weight. Weight gain may be a sign of depression or low self-esteem. She could be depressed about parenting the teenagers or economic pressures. Therefore, part of your role is to help with positive parenting and be a good provider.

Provide a cordial and jovial environment to lighten up her day. Jokes, laughing often and smiling can bring happiness to both of you.

Explore whether your wife is undergoing menopause and, if so, how is it affecting her and what supportive role you can play?

Examine your life to ascertain whether or not you are going through mid-life crisis, wherein you are searching for meaning and purpose in life. This can make you feel flat and bored and, in that state, you might find your secretary attractive. It could also be an ego thing of wanting to experiment with someone different, especially to determine if one is still appealing to a young attractive secretary. You need to take your eyes off your secretary and rekindle the flame with your wife.

There are a few simple things you can do to spice up your sex life in the home. Since you find her fat then you could ensure that the lights are out when engaging in sexual intercourse so that the sight is not a turn-off.

Spending more quality time together helps a relationship. This usually cures all ills and can help bring back the passion.

Need to contact the counsellor? Email: editor@gleanerjm.com.